Philly Dame

This Sunday, approximately 20,000 people will rise before dawn to Vaseline up their nipples and run 26.6 miles around Center City and Fairmount Park in the 16th annual Philadelphia Marathon. The event starts at 7AM at the Art Museum.

Here, a helpful guide for making the most of each mile mark:

0: The Art Museum: Come to run up the steps, stay for the Gorky. (Warning: If you stay for the Gorky, you’ll probably miss the marathon, which is what you probably came to Philadelphia for in the first place.)

1: 12th and Arch: This is a little too early to pause your race and grab donuts from Reading Terminal, but who am I to judge? Of course duck off course! Hit the Terminal, and grab a sack of fresh jelly donuts. Who says carbo-loading has to take place the night before?

2: 2nd and Race: For those of you thinking of pulling a Rosie Ruiz and taking PATCO to the end of the race, don’t. PATCO doesn’t go anywhere near the end of the race. Of course, you could hop on a Phlash trolley — which will take you directly back to the Art Museum, via Market Street and the Parkway. Added bonus: the PHLASH chugs along slow enough to not raise any red flags with the timing officials. (Update: I’ve been informed that the PHLASH is not running. If you’re planning to cheat, do not wait for the PHLASH.)

3: Columbus Blvd. and I-95: Make sure you stay on Columbus Blvd. Do not — I repeat, do not — run onto I-95. (Unless you’re running the race via taxi, in which case — it’s better to take the Vine Street Expressway. Trust me.)

4: Front and Fitzwater: By now, you’ve probably burned upwards of 10,000 calories so it may be time to replenish. Banana and Nutella French Toast from Fitzwater Cafe?

5: 6th and Walnut: Wave to Independence Hall! You know, Ben Franklin won America’s First Marathon. When you convert 1776 miles to today’s miles, it appears Ben Franklin walked an entire two blocks in under 34 minutes. A New World record!

6: 17th and Chestnut: Look up at our tall buildings! Look down at our Toynbee Tiles! William Penn wanted Pennsylvania to be a land FREE OF PERSECUTION and full of Toynbee Tiles!

7: 31st and Chestnut: Welcome to University City! If you were to make a left right about now, you could hit up — in order — Sprinkles Yogurt, Capagiro’s, and Ben and Jerry’s. But you wouldn’t do that — you motivated, skinny-ass bastard — because you’re in a marathon. But if you’re a spectator, like myself, feel free to detour (and try the burnt sugar gelato, a fave.)

8:34th and Haverford: Wave to the Zoo Balloon, Philadelphia’s own Balloon Boy!

(there’s a whole bunch more mile stuff, under the jump)

9: Landsdowne: PLEASE TOUCH MUSEUM! Oh boy oh boy! I know you’re tempted to keep running, but CAN YOU PLAY IN A MINI GROCERY STORE IN A MARATHON? NO! Stop off here to pick up some pacifier wipes at the lactation station (yes, they sell pacifier wipes at the lactation station) and give your greasy nipples a cursory mid-race bath.)

10: Black Road: You’re approximately 2 nautical miles (nautical?) away from the Japanese Gardens. You’ll never see them, because you’re going to keep running…but you know, they’re there.

11-12: MLK King Dr: “Wanna get downtown but feeling in a fix/Get on the route they call 676.” — G-Love

12-19: Fairmount Park: There are over 100 works of public art in Fairmount Park. There’s also a water station. Hydrate up, look at some sculptures, keep running.

19-20: Main Street in Manayunk: Home to this bike race every summer. You know, if you were on a bike, you’d be finished by now.

21:-25: Kelly Drive, again: By now, you may be beginning to cramp. This is natural. To distract yourself from the pain, look at the pretty boathouses and think about Grace Kelly, who was too refined to ever run 26 miles. Thought for next time?

26: Eakins Oval to Ben Franklin Parkway: Oh look! You’re back where you started! If your nipples aren’t dripping in blood aren’t chafed and your legs haven’t completely collapsed aren’t stiff, eat your banana and visit the rest of our fine city with your medal draped lazily around your neck to let everyone know what a good job you did. Whoo!